onyxhawke: (Default)
( Apr. 23rd, 2009 05:07 pm)
I love review of books, especially my clients books. And of course reviews of my clients books where the reviewer clearly loves my clients work, well that's almost as good as selling the book was in the first place.

So I'm going to do a contest that may be continued for other books but will give unpaid reviewers a chance to win free books. Who knows, maybe some day I'll even have a spiffy graphic to go with it.

So what inspired this contest? Well, a wonderful review on KingoftheNerds. It's a real readers review, it feels genuine, and get's exactly what's right about the book. Here is a highlight of the review;

"...Enge's clever writing really came to the fore as the novel moved on and turned it into something that was truly fantastic (::groan::). It's old school and new school, dark without ever being oppressive and yet somehow managed to keep an almost constant smile on my face. It's one of those novel that leaves you a bit crestfallen that it's over, not because the ending was disappointing (it wasn't!) but because you have to stop living in the world it crafted. The second book The Crooked Way looks like it'll be out in October and I for one can't wait to read more."

Great review, full of spoilers though so be careful.

Now, back to that contest.

I've decided to call it the Lunchpail Review Contest.
To enter:

  • Write a review of The Blood of Ambrose somewhere online
  • email the review, a link to it, and your contact info to: lunchpail@onyxhawke.com
  • Entries must be received by 7pm ET May 21st 2009
I will post links to each of the reviews here on my LJ between May 22 and May 30th (possibly sooner depending on the number of reviews) and will after each review has been up at least one day post a poll for three days allowing readers to vote on the reviews.

The winner will receive a copy of This Crooked Way.

One is a webcomic I wish i had time to read more: http://xkcd.com/483/

The other is the brilliant idea by one of my clients to get several of his readers tuckerized.

Dave Freer covers all the hard work in his lj post here.

Yes, life has left me busy enough to nearly forget the contest.

I will announce the winner in this post. I promise. But first:

My panel schedule for WorldCon;

Worldcon )

Standard plea to Congoers;

If you see me wandering around at a time I'm supposed to be at a panel please point me in the right direction. I'm very good at losing track of time at cons.


I need three for horrible duties via LJ during Worldcon.
Please comment, and I'll ask you what I want via either the LJ message service or one of the IM platforms.

And the winner is....

Well first i really need to thank everyone who participated because these were just hilarious to read. The LOLCATZ one was fun, the sheer inanity of quite a few, and the good fun of them all. The winner is going to the one that combined uselessness of actual text, psychopathy, criminality, and pure iron plated resistance to good sense the best, all without showing an overall deficit of writing skill. The author of the gem below should contact me via email soon so I can get their prize shipped. My comments are between the "[" and "]".
Contest )

I think I'll have to do this contest again sometime not so soon.

onyxhawke: (Default)
( Jul. 20th, 2008 10:18 pm)
MrMeval turns in proof that there is no need for the agent to actually open the book with a grammatic demolition derby:
"As he thrust his quavering blade into the unyeilding flesh he felt a burning power and smote the foul beast. In it's death throws the fare maiden fell and he catches her quickly. He takes his newly freed bride to his starship their to roam the heavens looking for fame and fortune."

The fab SarahaHoyt scores a one line TKO with the amazing presumptuousness of her first line:

Dear Mr. Hawke,

I am delighted to announce that I have picked your agency to represent my definitive opus on the human condition.

Right behind her is another delightful lady:

Dear Agent:

Herewith find my novel MICHELANGELO D.N.A., which is a sequel to Dan Brown's DA VINCI CODE. My writer's group all voted me the best writer of the year, based on this novel. Everyone at work has read this novel, and says it's far superior to DA VINCI CODE. My parents are hard critics of novels, but they both were fascinated and couldn't put it down.

Which is about the neatest way of proclaiming you know nothing about the industry, and are having been set up will probably be the type of whiner who goes crying to the world when their work is rejected.

Not to be out done Robert Hoyt chimes in displaying a charming flair for lack of contact with reality.

I would like you to know that I must insist my story be provided to the public freely, since the enlightenment I have reached should not be subject to mortal prices; but I think that I can count on you to think about the good that this book can do and work just as hard, even without money as an incentive. When you respond, I’ll gladly mail you the six cardboard boxes containing my novel. Do not worry about the fifty blank pages at the end, I invested them with my K’oldorta so that they would guide the reader to the ending in his(or her, although that’s rare) mind.

Tomorrow, or the next day... well soon, The Winner!
Ellen Denham had a nice example to work with It shows:
Laziness: Dear Agent or Editor: (I know I'm one of the two, but does this fictitious waster of time know which, and what my name might be?

Vagueness: I'm enclosing the first 500 pages of book one, in which the amazing story begins to unfold. I'm in the middle of book two now but I already know how book 3 will end. Lots of writers don't know anything about what they write about, but I've been an avid fisherman for years, so I thought this was a natural subject for a trilogy. Of course, my fish live on another planet and fight evil monsters, so it's much more exiting that way. People will be amazed when they read it. ( Notice the lack of anything about the crucial characters, plot, or how it is resolved. )

A lack of understanding for how the industry works:
Please call me as soon as you get this so I know it got there. I really look forward to working together. Of course, if you want something changed in the trilogy I'll be glad to think about it. I'm flexible. If you don't have time to look at it, I hope you will send it to another agent or editor that might like it.
(One can either spend two hours a day letting people know their baby has arrived safely, or actually be productive.)

And more laziness and probably poor command of the written word:
Call me write away. (no further comments)

Amandatkd had another one that is inspired.
This letter displays:
This paragraph is a work of art:
(WiM explains not only what the human condition really is but why. Set in the future five thousand years from now, it's a mixture of Tolkien, David Webber and Dan Brown. Cool, huh? What more could you want but elves, exploding spaceships and religious conspiracy theories and truths?) It displays gross arrogance, delusions of competence and a wonderful ability to attempt to combine widely divergent styles that would probably make someone who actually tried to read something like this throw up.

This one:
(I'm offering you first crack at this masterpiece before I ship it off to other agents. Three days should be more than long enough for you to realize what a find this is. You can read a sample and see the artwork my little brother Shemp has down to accompany it at the following website: www.imafool.con or the companion site, www.youareafoolforlooking.com) Takes the assumption that bribes will work. And adds in more work for the agent!

Archangelbeth too does fun things:

This piece:
( Dear Ms. Hawke,

I am twenty-seven years old and I have always wanted to write a book. Now that I have disvoverd your wonderful blog, I have been inspired. I have the outlines for a five book trilogy, spanning twohundred years of a star-spanning empire's death throws, from the last True Queen to her illegitimate grandson who will lead his people from the ashes of their former empire to a new world and civilization, with the help of energy beings who make stargates.)
Misidentifies the gender of the agent. Continues by showing only a loose ability to count or spell, and is states enough about the ambition of the book to make most agents turn it down here.

Tcastelb fortunately writes better cover letters in real life:
The greeting is classicly bad:
( Dear Mr. Jennifer Jakson,

i have this awesome idea for a kid's book. i sent you the whole thing even if it isn't done yet. Kids--and kids at heart--are going to love it. My dog Squeaky inspired this story. He (not Squeaky, the dog in the story) gets adopted by a kid named Jimmy that doesn't want a dog and Jimmy keeps getting in trouble and the dog, which is a very pretty collie (Squeaky's not, Squeaky is a chiwawa) saves the kid from all kinds of trouble. Jimmy falls into a well (this takes place out in the country because i think kids should understand nature more) and the dog, whose name is Laddie, goes for help. It's all real exciting and Laddie almost dies. Jimmy loves him a lot after that and everyone is happy.)

It confuses gender and agent showing a wonderful attention to detail. Then we see blatant ripoffs of Lassie with a thin coat of (clear) nail polish on the serial numbers. And one can not overlook the ability of the paragraph to stay on topic. Since all if you have I'm sure read my submission guidelines you'll know that this person is not only sending something I don't represent, but sending me something that isn't complete.

This bit shows a clear distance between the writer and reality as well:
( And i'm warning you now, if you tell me no i'm going to send Squeaky to you via FedEx and he's going to rip your office to shreds to teach you a lesson. And that's after i put a curse on you. i watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks a lot and i learned all kinds of spells from it so you better watch out or i'll turn you into a rabbit.)

Zurzip's entry:

( I've written a really great book that I really hope you'll take a look at. I know you said that you want it as an attachment, but I couldn't get that to work in my e-mail, and I figured it would be just as easy to scroll down (even if the formatting is kind of weird, I couldn't get it to work. It's right in the document though!). Anyway, what's one little scroll down - so easy, you might as well read it and skip the letter! ;P )
This one says the writer is ignoring the rules out of laziness, and resorts to emoticons over ya know using words. Always a plus for a writers.


Wrote something that could be some of the stuff I get in my contact form a couple times a month. Paranoia, shaky grasp of reality and of course the not so subtleties of publishing. ( I've written the first book of a multi-volume epic fantasy and would eagerly like to submit it to you. I've read your livejournal and feel you would be perfect to represent my work. The nearly completed first novel comes in at slightly over 500,000 words. I'd like to tell you what my novel is about but first I have attached a legal document for you to sign and return to me guaranteeing my idea will not be stolen while in your agency's possession. )

More to come tomorrow, and of course the winner. Eventually.

onyxhawke: (Default)
( Jul. 15th, 2008 10:45 pm)
Come on y'all, you can do better than this!

There's some that are ok, but at this point I might as well just pick a number out of a hat.

Sheesh, most of you claim you're writers! Get creative, and subtle!
onyxhawke: (Default)
( Jul. 14th, 2008 03:09 am)
Ok. Do your wost. I mean best, whatever. Write me a plausible, but hideous cover letter. The contest runs from right now, until 1am et Wednesday 7/16.

Winner will be announced as soon as i make my decision.
onyxhawke: (Default)
( Jul. 7th, 2008 12:38 pm)
Write me a cover letter. Write me a really, really bad cover letter. Just make it plausible, and post it in a few days when I put up notice. Winner  as chosen by be (in the US and Canada only) will get a free paperback copy of any of Dave Freer's books written solo or in collaboration. All entries will be used on my LJ and other places as an example of how not too. Simply post the cover letter in comments and you're entered. Contest open to all adults and children with parental permission. 


onyxhawke: (Default)


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